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It has become increasingly apparent that I should never, ever, be allowed near a television set. When I am, I inevitably become the Sharp-Tongued Snarker of Snarkyville. It ain’t a pretty picture. Problem is, when I’m at Amy’s we tend to watch a lot of television, and I’m at Amy’s a lot, dude. Fortunately, Amy finds it amusing, although I’ll never be comparable to Elinor when it comes to clever zingers. Amy thinks we should actually get a show on Much Music that features us just watching their countdown and snarking all the way through it. Somehow, I get the feeling that there may be some outcry over that among the more delicate of the music set, but it would still be damn funny, and I’m secretly enamored with the idea. Think yearlong Fromage, people! In that spirit, I’ve prepared a sampling of the genius that is Pip the Music Video Critic, presented as a compilation of facts and figures gleaned from watching the Much Music Top Thirty Countdown. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the debut edition of: The Ticker Number of videos in the countdown that feature rap artist Ja Rule: 4 Number of videos in which he is featured as more than glorified back up: 1 Percentage of time he seems aware that he resembles nothing so much as an ad for the Partnership For A Drug-Free America: 0% Number of hip-hop videos made by black/Hispanic artists featured in countdown: 6 Number of hip-hop videos by black/Hispanic artists that feature at least one other black/Hispanic artist for no apparent reason: 5 (J. Lo isn’t black, so she had to have two black featured artists to compensate. Justin Timberlake and N*Sync don’t count, because they could perform with the entire NAACP singing backup and still be pathetically white.) Time it takes Alanis Morrisette to move from hot new commodity to karaoke favourite in her new video, “Hands Clean:” 2 min., 50 sec. Odds that she recognizes that as being “Ironic:” 20-to-1 Number of criminal offences Enrique Iglesias racks up in his new video, “Escape:” 8, including 1 count of being an utter ass. Number of times Amy had to restrain me from scribbling "I’m With Stupid" on the forehead of Enrique’s love interest: 5 Odds that Enrique recognizes that his song is an endorsement of date rape: 50-to-1 Number of times Countdown host Bradford How appeared to forget his own name: 7 Percentage of time J. Lo’s song "Ain’t It Funny" actually was: 0% Most Alarming Trend: *tie* White Boys Trying to Look Black (here’s lookin’ at you, Enrique and Justin!); and Black Hip-Hop Artists Who Forgot to Dress for the Shoot (here’s a hint, Ja Rule: if you put your shirt on before accessorizing, remembering it will be that much easier). Most Overused Accessory: Really Big Rings (they were retarded before, and look! they still are). Most Nonsensical Trend: Those strange patches on hip-hop artists’ faces (hygiene is still in, boys!). Carpet Chat I’ll now move on to my second brilliant plan: a new pre-awards show show. What’s that, you say? You’ve had enough of those smarmy, self-congratulatory gossip-fests? Ah, but my dears! Remember, this is Pip we’re talking about. I have the power to make everything amusing, and the balls to pull it off. Plus, I think Hollywood is ridiculous. That’s a bonus, just for the viewers at home. I’ll call my segment “Carpet Chat,” and these are some of the questions I would have asked, had anyone bothered to invite me to the Oscars this year: "Russell, do you ever wake up some mornings and say to yourself, ‘Holy shit, I’m Russell Crowe’?" "I was wondering, Denzel, if you could comment on how it felt when you realized that it was a big deal that you’re black?" "Gwyneth, I heard from an unidentified source that you sneezed twice last night while eating dinner. Are these rumors true?" "Nicole! I love your dress! D’you like mine? It’s from Kmart." “And how did you feel that morning when you woke up and realized, ‘Well, my looks are going, so I’d better learn to act’? (pause) That’s all right. Take your time, Mr. Cruise.” "Mr. Gibson, do you ever get the urge to just jump up on the stage and say, ‘Look, Braveheart was a mistake and we all know it,’ and then beat yourself with your Oscar because of the shame of it all?" "Okay, Ms. Connelly, let’s say you wake up one morning and realize you’re a giant dung beetle, sort of like Gregor in Kafka’s The Metamorphosis. What would you do? (pause) Do you even know who Kafka is, Ms. Connelly? (pause) All right, what about a dung beetle?" "Ms. Winslet, are you ever surprised when you wake up and discover that you did not turn into a lemur in the night?" Okay, the last one makes no sense. But that’s just because of my lemur obsession. As Amy tells me, "Dude, you love lemurs……in a Freudian way." Editor’s note: It’s true, she does! Also, if I could tag along with Pip while she did her Carpet Chat, I would ask Tom Cruise, “so, Mr. Cruise, do you ever wonder if all those rumors about you are true?” Hee.  |