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• I don't care what anyone else says about clowns: I say it takes real talent to ride around a ring on a bicycle that's too small when you're wearing shoes that are too big. • If blood really is thicker than water, why doesn't it sink to the bottom of the sink when I cut my finger washing the dishes? • Sometimes, at work, customers pay for their purchases by throwing change on the counter in my general direction, even when my hand is already out, leaving me to scramble around in search of it. One time, I almost shouted at one man, "Hey! I am NOT some little monkey tethered to a calliope whose sole purpose in life is to scamper around picking up change off the sidewalk and looking chipper about it!" But then I thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if I were?" • Why does most erotica sound like it was written by grammar-deficient adolescent boys? Does spellcheck not work on smut? And am I the only one who remains unaroused by missing punctuation? • A tangent on an above thought: if blood is thicker than water, does it get chewy when it freezes? Also: I am never eating a Raspberry Juice Pop again. • Is it technically possible to make a Philadelphia Cheesesteak sandwich anywhere outside of Philadelphia? • Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? • If I were to suddenly go mad one day while working at Low's, and I ate all the change in the cash drawer, would that be embezzling? What if I gave it all back later? • On Good Friday, why do all those people keep vigils in churches? I mean, let's face it, folks: Jesus ain't comin'. • You know what I've never understood? Why people are always telling you to calm down by saying you should get some perspective on things. Dude, perspective is thinking that parallel lines meet. Think about it. • I have ADHD, and to help me out with this, I take dextroamphetamines. Sometimes, it strikes me as funny that I take pills to make me act like other people that other people take to act like me. • I was all geared up to make fun of Alaska for having a state fossil (the wooly mammoth), because really, isn't it silly to have something like that? Then I found out that Maine has a state soil. Now I'm feeling pretty stupid. • Don't you think it would be funny to call some pizza delivery service and place an order for the Donner Party? Oh, c'mon. You know you do. • Why do people keep coming into Low's and asking me, "Do you have worms?" I mean, isn't that rather personal? Not to mention vaguely offensive. • Sometimes I have to wonder if those kids who wanted to be Oscar Meyer wieners ever really sat back and considered what exactly being a popular food product entailed. • If variety is the spice of life, why do we have so much oregano? • If my customers at Low's took insult as easily as my employers seem to think they do, they'd all have shot each other long ago.  |