“Meet little Calista. She lives in a remote part of Los Angeles and has no nourishment besides bottled water and David E. Kelley’s approval.” -Lara Flynn Boyle, spokesperson for the Save Our Starving Actresses fund (Saturday Night Live)
So, I’m back on PEI for the summer, and I still don’t have a job.
This means that I don’t have much to do besides sleep, read stuff on the Internet (I have Internet in my bedroom now! Yay!) and watch television. I’ve been watching a lot of television. My parents invested in digital cable while I was away at school, so now we receive over 200 channels of programming. This doesn’t mean I get to watch any quality shows, of course - it just means I get twice as much crap to choose from. So I’ve been amusing myself watching Rosie O’Donnell, and Oprah, and S Club 7, and Dr. Laura, and a host of other bad programs (including a documentary about UFO sightings, which I really shouldn’t have watched right before I went to bed). I do come across the odd good show, of course - Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Gilmore Girls, for example - but mostly it’s just crap.
Anyway. While channel surfing I have run across a number of shows that have either made me laugh out loud, seriously creeped me out, or in some cases accomplished both at once. I thought you’d like to hear about them.
The, um, good?
I caught an episode of MTV’s boy-band parody 2ge+her the other day, and it was hilarious. Totally cheesy and stupid, of course, but hilarious. I liked the scene where the “bad-boy” fell in love with a pregnant fan and escorted her to her ultrasound.
Doctor: Would you like to know whether it’s a boy or a girl?
Fan: Um... okay.
Doctor: It’s a boy.
Bad-Boy: I can see his penis! I can see two penises! He’s a STUD!
Doctor: Those are his fingers.
Bad-Boy: He only has two fingers!? He’s a FREAK!
Doctor: No! He has ten fingers and one penis.
Bad-Boy: Ten fingers and a penis! That’s all a man needs in this world.
I know that joke’s been done to death, but it still made me laugh.
And, as I already mentioned, Gilmore Girls is a pretty good show. I only saw 45 minutes worth of one episode, but I still liked it (I think it started to go sappy at the end, though). I may start watching just so I can read Pamie’s recaps at Mighty Big TV, because she is hilarious. This is her recap of the episode I saw. The first two pages are pretty funny.
Now, on to...
The really, really bad
Animal Miracles featured a bunch of different stories about animals who saved peoples’ lives, and for the most part, they were pretty sweet (the story of the golden retriever who saved his master from drowning, for example, and the one about the great dane who saved an unconscious woman from freezing to death in a snowbank). But one story made me laugh out loud - the story of an animal sanctuary worker named Steve and a rescued research chimp named Timmy. They were “best friends,” apparently, and a woman who worked with Steve actually offered this quote:
“I believe that everyone gets to meet a soul mate, and I really think that (sniffle) Timmy is Steve’s soul mate!”
Uh huh. I admit it, I have a dirty mind, and I had already been vaguely icked out by Steve’s comments about how Timmy “would never hurt [him]” and how it was really a special experience to be “held and hugged and kissed by a chimp,” and the soul mate comment just pushed me right over the edge. I really didn’t need to hear any more about Timmy and Steve’s “special relationship,” thank you. That segment ruined an otherwise good show for me (yeah, yeah, I’m a sucker for sappy animal stories. Shut up).
And, finally...
The, uh... hmm.
Probably the most “huh?”-worthy thing I’ve come across in my two weeks of channel surfing was the porn. Apparently the Movie Network switches over to “adult programming” after 4 a.m.or so. I missed most of the first show (I caught the tail end - pun intended - of a man and a woman going at it doggy-style), but I tuned in just in time for a show called Casting Couch that starred two women. The Brunette, a professional-looking woman with a monotone, was auditioning the skanky Blonde for a part in a porno. You can probably guess what happened, but in case you lack the imagination necessary to write bad porn:
Brunette: (examines Blonde’s resume) Oh, you’ve done a lot of work. You do realize this is a small part.
Blonde: Yes, that’s all right.
Brunette: And you would have to make love to a woman. Are you okay with that?
Blonde: Yes, I’ve done it before.
Brunette: Okay. Now, it’s procedure that we do a body check, so...
Blonde: Do you want me to remove my clothes?
Brunette: Yes, thank you.
Blonde: (removes shirt)
Brunette: Oh, those are nice! What size are they?
Blonde: Double D.
Brunette: Really? (Examines Blonde's huge-ass breasts)
Blonde: Yes. Would you like me to take off my underwear, too?
Brunette: Hmm. Turn around.
Blonde: (spins slowly)
Brunette: Double D’s huh? Okay, take off your underwear.
Blonde: (takes off underwear)
Brunette: Mmm. Okay, I want to make sure you’re comfortable with a woman. Lots of girls say they are, but then when the time comes they’re not. (Takes off her own shirt)
Blonde and Brunette make out and fondle each other. Brunette removes pants, revealing a lumpy ass and a too-tight thong, which she leaves on. Apparently this is supposed to be sexy. It isn’t. Neither are the Blonde’s huge-ass breasts, by the way. I do not understand how the Blonde could stand upright. Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t remember her standing up during this exchange at all... hmm. Anyway, Blonde and Brunette have sex as bad (and I mean bad) “bow-chicka-wow-wow” porno music plays. The Brunette’s lumpy ass sticks straight up in the air most of the time. Neither woman really seems to enjoy the sex that much, but whatever.
Brunette: I think you’ve done that before.
Blonde: (grins) Yeah, once or twice.
Brunette: (wipes her mouth as screen fades to black)
This was the first porn I’d ever seen (besides little snippets here and there, and a few terrible Internet sites). And if I learned anything from my first experience with porn, it’s that I’m really not missing much. Besides horrible acting, atrocious dialogue and a paper-thin plot, of course. Although I must admit, the lines about the Blonde’s breasts made me laugh.
And that is my 12 days in tv. I may add more, if I run across anything truly horrendous.
